Dreams …!

I think & I dream. I sink deep, I come out. Take another plunge and I get drowned.

I dwell on past; I re-live the days long gone. I smile yet I cry. I feel neglected; I tend to ignore things. It hurts; I smile. My heart feels no pain no joy; just to reciprocate I share my love, the unlimited carings I behold. I use harsh words, I get rude; apologies is the hardest thing to say. Where I actually do care; I become dumb and mute.

I feel I am deeply in love; I hate everything. I want to tell away whats hidden in folds on my heart, I run away. I see others living my dreams; I dont feel jealous: I feel helpless. I crave for support; I get none. I yearn but demand nothing. I want to say sorry; my lips wont move. I care for you; I’m too stubborn to tell. I like appreciation but I get bored of it. Appreciate but then leave and dont mention. I get embarrassed; I’m too shy to tell.

I have people around; I want to be alone. I’m a loner; I’m a socialite. I get angry; I shed tears. I can laugh for hours in day; I can cry for hours at nights. Memories rush in; I share my joys, my laughs, my cries, my secrets, my screams, my jokes, my pains, my thoughts, my dreams with them; who are too loyal and have never left me alone even for a second since years. I’ve created my own world of solitude with them.

A mention of small event, small joys, small funs can rupture my heart; I dont see the innocent little things happening. I happily get myself labeled weird but then thats me.

Seems like a useless rant but its going on and stuck in an infinite loop for last few months in my mind. Comes back with a much larger momentum after every few days. have so many dreams built up inside m that even one wont happen; I’ll die that day if not physically – a part of my soul would. Cant say if everyone suffers from it but its definitely decaying me.
I see dreams, I desire for things that I alone may not get … and what Allah has written may be the best Inshah Allah but I’m scared already. I have fears but I won’t be able to give words to those.

I’m addicted to this song …

Chhan Se Jo Tute Koi Sapna, Jag Soona Soona Laage
Koi Rahe Na Jab Apna, Jag Soona Soona Laage Re

Roothi Roothi Saari Raatein, Phike Phike Saare Din
Viraani Si Viraani Hai, Tanhaayi Si Tanhaayi Hai

I start praying to Allah and I get lost what to ask from The Almighty. He knows all about my secret desires, my wishes, my secrets, my dreams, my love – I cant encapsulate all this in my prayers. I simply cannot.

Another bad night awaits, another day of fake smile awaits; another life of unsure dreams await!!

ps: my apologies if you had to read all this, sincere one Really.